The 2CV Alaska Challenge

Herbert H Howzon, physicist, mathematician and 2CV owner, became obsessed with explaining mathematically the strange characteristics of the Citroen 2CV: why did the car slow down on hills? why was it reluctant to start on damp mornings? why did it sometimes get stuck in reverse gear? These questions had haunted men of science for many years. So, working from the Forest Hill Institute for the Slightly Insane, Herbert H. Howzon made it his life's work to find answers to these questions. With little regard for family and friends, hardly eating, barely sleeping, he became focused entirely on the riddle of the 2CV.

'A storm broke loose in my mind'  Herbert H. Howzon

He first set out to find the fundamental principles involved, using the characteristics of the Citroen Type A 06/35 engine: Bore 74mm, Stroke 70mm, Cubic Capacity 602cc, Compression Ratio 8.6 to 1. From this he worked out his Constant Theorem, as follows: 74mm (Bore) x 70mm (Stroke) = 5180 ¸ 602 (Cubic Capacity) = 8.6. Thus, Howzon discovered that the Compression Ratio, 8.6, was also the Constant. This was his first major breakthrough.

Next he worked out his Variable Theorem: 602 (Cubic capacity) x 74mm (Bore) = 44,548; and, 602 (Cubic Capacity) x 70mm (Stroke) = 42,140. Then, using electromagnetic theory and a strong cup of tea, he subtracted 42,140 from 44,548 and was left with 2408. He then divided this figure by 602 (Cubic Capacity) and was astonished to discover he was left with 4. Yes, incredibly, 4 was the Variable, the exact same number as there are wheels on a 2CV! Howzon felt a hot flush run through him. He knew he was getting close.

'When the special theory of Ducktivity began to germinate in me, I was visited by all sorts of nervous conflicts... I used to go away for weeks in a state of nervous confusion'  Herbert H Howzon

Now that he had worked out the Constant and the Variable, Howzon could follow through his calculations to form the Special Theory of Ducktivity, culminating in his equation, E = 2CV², or Efficiency = 2 x Constant x Variable, squared. Thus, 2 x 8.6 x 4 = 68.8² = 4733.44, which by funny coincidence also happened to be the telephone number of Howzon's psychotherapist.

The Special theory of Ducktivity predicts that 2CV's gain in mass, shrink in the direction of their travel, and keep slower time as their speed nears that of 70mph.

Another important finding of the Special Theory is that neither milk floats nor Trabants can move at a speed faster than the speed of a 2CV.

The final major consequence of the Special Theory is the equivalence of mass and the 2CV, shown by the famous formula, E= 2CV².

In 1967 Herbert H. Howzon was awarded the Nobel Prize for Lunacy. He now lives quietly in a cardboard box in a cave in Iceland.